There’s been a lot of things that I have said I would start and never stayed with. For example in this blog, I said I would write about my new years resolution, 365 days of art. I haven’t written about it since December. I also had the idea of writing about Evangelical Christianity and reading the book with you When We Were On Fire. I got the book, and read the prologue, but it was so uncomfortable for me to read that I haven’t picked it up since.
Does that make me a flake? Does that make me a failure? Possibly.
Lately, I’ve been binging instead of writing.
Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
Do I have to write about this???
In this blog, I give the impression of being honest, open, and courageous. And yes, at times I am. At other times I am stuffing and avoiding.
I started binging and purging when I was six or seven. It was on tea. Yes. Tea. I remember the exact moment. My parents were having a party. I felt ignored. I kept making myself cups of tea with honey in it. It felt so good inside my body. Warm and sweet. I had so much tea, that my poor little tummy exploded and I threw it all up.
When I was too young to be left to my own devices at night, my parents did decide to leave me home alone to go to work. I was so lonely. So bored! I comforted myself with food. I would open up the cupboard, search for something sweet to eat, start eating, and not stop until it was time to clean up before they came home. My favorite was making “ice cream.” I would take packets of hot chocolate, blend it with milk and ice in a blender, and eat it. Eat until my tummy exploded, and then go throw it all up.
The television was a great tool to distract my mind from what I was doing to my body. I’d sit in front of the TV and fill my mouth with food. TV and food comforted and entertained me when I was home alone. Which was a lot.
It wasn’t really until my senior year of high school that I used purging to get thin. I started the school year kind of chubby, then slowly, with excessive exercise and lots of binging and purging, (sometimes twice a day) I got down to what I called an acceptable weight.
Binging and purging got me through the awkwardness of college.
Then, one day, I had just finished an exhausting session of purging, and I told God, “Never! Never! I’ll never do that again!” And I heard a voice inside me say, loud and clear: “You said that last time.” And I thought OH! This is a problem that I cannot solve on my own. I need HELP. So I went to my first therapy session. That was about 13 years ago.
Since then it’s been a slow recovery process. The binging and purging went down from twice a day, to twice a week, to twice a month, to twice a year. Which is about where I am now. Once or twice a year. It is a warning signal. When I feel like binging, I know that something is wrong. I need to stop and listen to myself. In my 30′s, I skipped the purge part. Which can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. I’m too tired to make myself throw up. It’s exhausting.
Lately I’ve been binging instead of writing.
Every free moment I have, I’ll sit down, watch Netflix on my phone (we don’t have a TV, thank God), and eat. I enjoy every minute until I feel sick and headache-y. When Kira wakes up from her nap, I feel unrested. Angry at myself. Generally unwell. I have to forget how I am feeling and entertain the angel until Husband comes home from work.
Not the mother I want to be. So I uninstall Netflix from my phone and start writing again. Which brings me to today.
Hello. I’m Linnea George-Kupfer. I have a beautiful daughter and a loving husband. I’m trying to write about my thoughts instead of avoiding my feelings with TV and food.
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